A funny to share

[D_Chosen1]

Just something i found an thought id share it :lol: :shock: :lol:

"A Letter From A Redneck"
Dear Billy Jo Bob,
I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Thelma

[-(Oc)-Mavric]

LMAO... Thats funny... Nice.

[Acedeal]

---------------------------------------

AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

____________________
Signature

____________________
Date


US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"

____________________
Signature

_____________________
Date



US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

______________________
Signature

______________________
Date


US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (make up a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight....grunt...cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blow up....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors' wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....
grenades...women....OORAH!
So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"


X____________________Thumb Print
X____________________Teeth Marks

And After the oaths are taken:

You forgot what happens after the oath:

Bootcamp Standards
In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following standards for recruit training of all services:

HAIRCUTS:

Marines - heads will be shaved.
Army - flat tops for all recruits.
Navy - no haircut standard.
Air Force - complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:

Marines - reveille at 0500, train until 2000.
Army - reveille at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy - rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch till 1300, train until 1600.
Air Force - rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:

Marines - Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army - one hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Navy - 3 hot meals.
Air Force - catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:

Marines - none.
Army - 4 hours a week.
Navy - 2 days a week.
Air Force - for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:

Marines - will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. Sgt Smith).

Army - will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."

Navy - will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.

Air Force - all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:

Marines - medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery.

Army - medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.

Navy - will have ships' engineers make medals for them as needed.

Air Force - will be issued all medals since they will most likely be awarded them at some point in their careers.

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:

Marines - work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.

Army - will wear it anytime, anywhere.

Navy - will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to their sailors.

Air Force - will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue service chevrons, name tapes, and patches on them.

CAREER FIELDS:

Marines - All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.

Army - It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in the first enlistment anyway.

Navy - Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying to figure out what sailors in the ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway

Air Force - Every recruit will be trained in such a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

[Major Kickass]

Ace....that has to be one of the funiest thinkgs I have ever read. Hooah to you for posting that here to share with us.

[-(Oc)-Mavric]

That
s hreat LMAO again... Where do you guys come up with this stuff.... :) :mrgreen:

[Acedeal]

:) A lot of us are old timers:)
been around awhile

[-(Oc)-Mavric]

I know the feeling..

[Acedeal]

Here's a little story that someone sent me...

It's a little lengthy, but it's pretty funny.


> Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
> London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
> involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
>
>
>
>
> WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELING
> ************************************************** ****
>
> Dear Maid,
> Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
> bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
> the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
> and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
> Thank you,
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Room 238,
> I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
> her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
> you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
> put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your
> mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
> from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
> I hope this is satisfactory.
> Kathy, Relief Maid
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
> Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
> little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
> you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
> I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
> own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
> the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
> Please remove them.
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
> we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in
> your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
> was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
> I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
> inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did
> not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me
> know if I can of further assistance.
> Your regular maid,
> Dotty
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
> called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
> service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
> accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
> future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
> attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
> Elaine Carmen
> Housekeeper
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Miss Carmen,
> It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
> business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
> reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
> I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
> bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
> new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
> medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
> bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
> bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
> room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
> please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
> Elaine Carmen,
> Housekeeper
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Kensedder,
> My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
> room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
> had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
> I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
> are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
> The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
> apologies for the inconvenience.
> Martin L. Kensedder
> Assistant Manager
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mrs. Carmen,
> Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
> night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars
> of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I
> have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
> Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
> Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so
> I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and
> the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
> anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
> did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
> plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this
> hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
> Ivory which I left in your room.
> Elaine Carmen
> Housekeeper
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Mrs. Carmen,
> Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
> As of today I possess:
>
> - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
> 4 and 1 stack of 2.
> - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
> stack of 3.
> - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
> stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
> - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
> stack of 2.
> - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
> - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
> - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
>
> Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
> neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
> than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
> sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
> deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
> Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
> misunderstandings.
> S. Berman

[Acedeal]

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is
due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

However, effective January 1st, 2003, your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $ 30.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $ 25.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $ 15.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $ 3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for an refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely,

Pecker Checker
IRS

We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
* Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
* What if one's penis is self employed?
* Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
* Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
* Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

[Acedeal]

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears.
As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business.

So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview.. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any fuckin' ears!"

[-(Oc)-Mavric]

OMG I was Rolling so hard I was crying when I read the hotel one... I used to work as a night auditor in a hotel, and I can see this happing, it took me about 10 min just to finish reading it, due to the tears bluring my vision I couldn't stop ROTFLMAO.... :mrgreen:

[skippie]

Hey ace,

i like them all, but that dude without the ears made me roll on the floor. Good one. Thanks.

Keep em comin

[Acedeal]

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, "Guess what, guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"


Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally
get to ask him!"



The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of
the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go
ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young
man?"


Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."


The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they
have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns
in Alaska."


The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey,
ask him the rest!"


The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues,
"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"


To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black
nuns in Alaska, yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him
the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"


The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"


To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any
midget black nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies,


"Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in
Alaska."


At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start falling down
laughing, and yelling,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[Acedeal]

A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the basic
biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different
things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.

Son: What do you mean, Dad?

Dad: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation.

For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

Son: What do other women say?

Dad: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!"
A nurse will say, "This wont hurt one bit."

Son: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

Dad: Thats male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

Son: And what does mother say?

Dad: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

[D_Chosen1]

Good jokes im printing them to post at work hahahaha

[D_Chosen1]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. There was no mention of this phenomenon on the product's web site or on its packaging at the time of purchase. In addition, Wife 1.0 has installed itself into all my other programs,launching during system initialization and causing it to monitor all my other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 4.5 and Beerbash 2.2.1 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.

I really enjoyed playing with Girlfriend 1.0 and I thought that upgrading would result in even greater enjoyment of the program. Now I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work.

Can you help me?

Concerned User

--------------------------------

Dear Sir-

This is a very common problem men complain about but it is mostly due to the end user's product misconception. Wife 1.0 is a great product but it requires very high maintenance. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

In actuality, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once it is installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 any more than you can go back to a 386 and DOS. Some have tried to override the system by installing Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0, but they inevitably end up with greater problems than the ones they are trying to cure. (Look in your manual under Warnings: Alimony/ChildSupport/Garnished Earnings).

Having inadvertently installed Wife 1.0 myself some time ago, I recommend that you do what most users do, which is to keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I also suggest that you read the entire manual section on General Protection Faults (GPFs). Basically, it tells you that you must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. In most situations, the best course of action is to push Shift-Apologize-Reset as soon as lock-up occurs. Generally, the system will run smoothly for continued periods of time as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Tech Support

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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SoftWare Problems

Be aware of the following software problems before purchasing.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:

o A"Don't remind me again" button
o Minimize button
o An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
o An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

[D_Chosen1]

Crowded Heaven

It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people who'd really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man: "Tell me about the day you died".

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out on the balcony-we live on the 25th floor-and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell but landed in some bushes. So I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about his day.

"Well, sir, it was awful", said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th-floor apartment when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers. I landed on some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------
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Marriage Counselor

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what just happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays

[D_Chosen1]

Witch Fix

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who maybe able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you?

NO......NO......and for the last time......NO!!!"

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Shallow Minds

Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Why is a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Why do tug boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

Why are they called "Stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

How can there be "Self-Help Groups"?

Why is it called after dark, when it's really after light?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a "Civil War"?

If all the worlds a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole plane made out of the stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five minutes of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where the bad girl's live!

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?

[skippie]

ok guys here we go:

1.

what do the balls say to each other when one has sex?
hey the boss is working and we are just hanging around

2.

The University of California decided on a research program to find out why a man has a bulge on the end of his penis. They spend 3 years and 2 million dollars and came to the conclusion that it was to satisfy the man during intercourse.

The university of Cambridge disagreed with these findings and spent a further three years and 4 million pounds on the project and came to the conclusion that it was to satisfy the woman during intercourse.

The University of Dublin spent 50p and ten minutes and came to the conclusion that it was to stop the man's hand slipping off!!!

3.

Little boys at school wonder, what's a penis? At home, Billy asks dad. Dad:(unzips fly) This is a penis, -- as a matter of fact, it's a perfect penis.
Next day at school, Billy: (unzips) This is a penis -- & if it were 3 inches shorter, it'd be perfect!

4.

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn around".

5.

Two guys wanted to go drinking, but they only had a dollar between them.
One of the fellows looked over at a hot dog wagon nearby, and had a sudden inspiration. He spent the dollar on a hot dog. He threw the bun away, and stuffed the hot dog down his underwear.

"We're gonna walk into the bar, order beers and drink them down.
When the bartender asks for payment, I'm gonna stick this hot dog out my fly.
You are gonna drop to your knees and start sucking on it. The bartender will be so grossed out that he'll immediately throw us out of the bar," said the lad.

They entered a bar and the gambit worked like a charm.
After the seventh bar they were both extremely drunk.

One of them started complaining, "Sheesh, I'm starting to get bad bruises from dropping down on my knees."

His companion slurred, "You think you got problems?

I lost the hot dog four bars ago!"

6.

One day a little boy named Bobby walked in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing?" asked Bobby.

"We're playing poker and your mom's the wild
card," replied the father.

So Bobby walked out and went into his brother's room and saw his brother and his girlfriend having sex. "What are you doing?" asked Bobby.

"We're playing poker and she's the wild card," replied his brother.

So Bobby walked out and went to his room. Later on Bobby's father walked in. "What are you doing!?!" yelled his father.

"I'm playing poker!" Bobby replied.

"But where is your wild card?" asked his father, to which Bobby replied, "With a hand like this who needs a wild card!"

7.

One day a guy came out of the local bar, he was extremely drunk.He began to stumble his way around the parking lot with his key in his hand.
While he is looking for his car he stumbles past a police officer.
The cop asks the guy if he needs any help.
The guy mumbles out "I've been robbed!"
The cop replies "What has been stolen?"
"My car ,it's gone!" he says.
The cop asks "Where did you see it last?"
"It was right here on the end of my key!" he says.
The cop then notices that the guy has his dick hanging out of his pants and its swinnging around.The cop asks "Do you know your penis is exposed?"
The guy replies "OH SHIT, they stole my girlfriend too!!!!!!!!"

8.

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window. He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs.
He says "Do you know what I am doing?"
She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breats.
He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."
Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her.
He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here."

[Major Kickass]

I love these kinda jokes. I get them from friends all of the time. LMAO

[-(Oc)-Mavric]

They were also good... :)