-=DoW=- Bulldozer
October 1st, 2006, 19:57
These are the RULES of S.W.M.B.O.
92 Rules Women wish Men knew:
1. Call.
2. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
5. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
6. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
7. Never tape any of her body parts together.
8. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
9. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
10. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
11. Girls are pretty, not cute, get over it.
12. Don't compare our breasts with Brittany Spear's, hers are fake.
13. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.)
14. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.
15. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
16. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
17. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
18. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
19. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "The “B name" are bad.
20. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
21. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
22. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
23. You're wrong.
24. You're sorry.
25. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
26. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.
27. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.
28. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.
29. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a loser.
30. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
31. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
32. Don't ask us to give you sex; (begging does not turn us on).
33. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
34. Her cooking is excellent.
35. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
36. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
37. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big; we like it when you are Mr. Big
38. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
39. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
40. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
41. Think boxers.
42. Silk boxers.
43. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.
44. Dishsoap is your friend.
45. Two words: clean socks.
46. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
47. If you talk about how well endowed you are, we know you aren’t.
48. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
49. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
50. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it (it hurts).
51. We are drama queens.
52. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.
53. Fashion police do exist
54. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, computers, Star Wars, etc
55. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
56. Ditto for your discourse on football. (If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts).
57. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
58. A stereo system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
59. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts
60. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
61. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
62. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
63. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
64. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
65. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
66. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
67. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
68. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
69. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
70. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
71. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
72. Zit's happen to everyone. Yes, Mr. Perfect, even to you.
73. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
74. Her haircut is never bad.
75. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!
76. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
77. Stand up to your friends; Don't let your friends pick on her.
78. It doesn't make you look cool to make fun of someone else.
79. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body in public, it's not.
80. Burping is not sexy.
81. When you're not around, I belch loudly too.
82. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
83. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
84. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
85. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
86. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
87. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
88. If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it's always because you cheated, even if you didn't.
89. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling... however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.
90. Call, really.
91. Don't lie, we always find out.
92. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your *** smoking a cigar isn’t fair either, and it balances everything.
P.S.
These are the real rules
Women :
1. Don't manupulate us men. And the puppy eyes do not work, we know that you are up to something mean and evil.
2. No, we do not have to ask for directions. We are just momentaritly geographically challenged, and verifying out course of direction.
3. The B.S story that you just fed me. We know you were at your friends house gossiping...don't lie.
4. Yes, I will open the car door for you, while dressed very nice in pleated slacks and a jacket. Only if you have a dress on, worthy of the favor.
5. Yes, I can look...But I won't touch. And don't gripe. I heard the comment you and your girl friend made of Jean-Claude in the kitchen yesterday morning..drinking coffee and gossiping.
6. I like to hunt. I like to camp. I like to go to MY frinds house..drink beer and play a good card game, or shoot pool....all while smoking a good cigar. No I will not stay home this weekend. And the puppy dog look will not change my mind.
7. If you lie, b.s or manupulate... We will find out.
8. No , I am not going to the party ( snob get together ). Last time you said we would only stay for a little bit.. We got there promptly at seven and did not leave till close to midnight. I never ate so many distasteful audurbs in my life.
9. Don't blame your bad mood on me because of the moon cycle.
10. Sex will not make me into jello, to do your bidding or wishes. And sex will not get you any special favors.
11. Button up your shirt. Your clevage is hanging out. Do you see me walking around with my pants unzipped?
12. Pajamas ( A sleeping shirt wore over panties ) is OK. But Victoria's Secret is hot.
13. In no way am I thinking of some hot female supermodel while having sex with you, Cause I know you are not thinking of some hot super model guy. I know you better than that.
14. If you ask for my opinion, you will get my opinion. If your female intuition / ESP thinks you will not approve of the answer..Then don't ask.
15. NO. You are not always right. Men know more than women. Get over it. And the footstomping will not work. The puppy dog eyes will DEFINATELY not work.
16. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. We do not go to the mall, plaza, friends house before going to the store.
17. No. We cannot eat pantyhose, so it does not go on the shopping list. Either your legs look good, or they don't. Exercise, or go see a Doc about your vericose veins.
18. Living together is good before marrige. I want to get to know you before we actually tie the knot. How long it takes is up to you. Using your mom, dad and siblings to press me into marrige is bad. Any attitude or personality changes...I want to know about before your dad GIVES you away. If I am going to assume personal and finincial liability for you, I want to know all problems before hand. Don't gripe , we test trucks before we buy them don't we
19. No, I do not like soap operas, nor do I like "Driving Miss Daisy" or " On Golden Pond".
20. I am the boss. Supreme ruler of everything that stirs in my universe. My realm is my area and not to be damaged, stirred, or shadowed upon by anyone not worthy of permission. Salesmen, Avon representatives, nor men who sale womens cosmetics are not allowed in the house. Period!
21. My labrador trumps your cat. One must go, and it is not the Labrador. The kitty litter is not a nice aroma...and the glade air freshner is not getting it. Get rid of two problems by erasing one. The cat goes.
22. I come home from work, hot and sweaty..And your girlfriend stares at me like a piece of choclate cake while you two are having coffee...Don't yell and scream at me after she leaves.
23. No morning shower takes an hour.
24. Your ex is your ex. I do not want to hear the problems you and him had in the past.
25. Instructions...What instructions?
92 Rules Women wish Men knew:
1. Call.
2. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
5. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
6. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
7. Never tape any of her body parts together.
8. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
9. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
10. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
11. Girls are pretty, not cute, get over it.
12. Don't compare our breasts with Brittany Spear's, hers are fake.
13. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.)
14. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.
15. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
16. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
17. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
18. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
19. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "The “B name" are bad.
20. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
21. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
22. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
23. You're wrong.
24. You're sorry.
25. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
26. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.
27. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.
28. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.
29. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a loser.
30. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
31. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
32. Don't ask us to give you sex; (begging does not turn us on).
33. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
34. Her cooking is excellent.
35. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
36. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
37. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big; we like it when you are Mr. Big
38. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
39. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
40. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
41. Think boxers.
42. Silk boxers.
43. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.
44. Dishsoap is your friend.
45. Two words: clean socks.
46. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
47. If you talk about how well endowed you are, we know you aren’t.
48. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
49. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
50. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it (it hurts).
51. We are drama queens.
52. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.
53. Fashion police do exist
54. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, computers, Star Wars, etc
55. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
56. Ditto for your discourse on football. (If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts).
57. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
58. A stereo system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
59. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts
60. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
61. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
62. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
63. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
64. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
65. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
66. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
67. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
68. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
69. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
70. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
71. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
72. Zit's happen to everyone. Yes, Mr. Perfect, even to you.
73. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
74. Her haircut is never bad.
75. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!
76. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
77. Stand up to your friends; Don't let your friends pick on her.
78. It doesn't make you look cool to make fun of someone else.
79. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body in public, it's not.
80. Burping is not sexy.
81. When you're not around, I belch loudly too.
82. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
83. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
84. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
85. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
86. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
87. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
88. If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it's always because you cheated, even if you didn't.
89. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling... however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.
90. Call, really.
91. Don't lie, we always find out.
92. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your *** smoking a cigar isn’t fair either, and it balances everything.
P.S.
These are the real rules
Women :
1. Don't manupulate us men. And the puppy eyes do not work, we know that you are up to something mean and evil.
2. No, we do not have to ask for directions. We are just momentaritly geographically challenged, and verifying out course of direction.
3. The B.S story that you just fed me. We know you were at your friends house gossiping...don't lie.
4. Yes, I will open the car door for you, while dressed very nice in pleated slacks and a jacket. Only if you have a dress on, worthy of the favor.
5. Yes, I can look...But I won't touch. And don't gripe. I heard the comment you and your girl friend made of Jean-Claude in the kitchen yesterday morning..drinking coffee and gossiping.
6. I like to hunt. I like to camp. I like to go to MY frinds house..drink beer and play a good card game, or shoot pool....all while smoking a good cigar. No I will not stay home this weekend. And the puppy dog look will not change my mind.
7. If you lie, b.s or manupulate... We will find out.
8. No , I am not going to the party ( snob get together ). Last time you said we would only stay for a little bit.. We got there promptly at seven and did not leave till close to midnight. I never ate so many distasteful audurbs in my life.
9. Don't blame your bad mood on me because of the moon cycle.
10. Sex will not make me into jello, to do your bidding or wishes. And sex will not get you any special favors.
11. Button up your shirt. Your clevage is hanging out. Do you see me walking around with my pants unzipped?
12. Pajamas ( A sleeping shirt wore over panties ) is OK. But Victoria's Secret is hot.
13. In no way am I thinking of some hot female supermodel while having sex with you, Cause I know you are not thinking of some hot super model guy. I know you better than that.
14. If you ask for my opinion, you will get my opinion. If your female intuition / ESP thinks you will not approve of the answer..Then don't ask.
15. NO. You are not always right. Men know more than women. Get over it. And the footstomping will not work. The puppy dog eyes will DEFINATELY not work.
16. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. We do not go to the mall, plaza, friends house before going to the store.
17. No. We cannot eat pantyhose, so it does not go on the shopping list. Either your legs look good, or they don't. Exercise, or go see a Doc about your vericose veins.
18. Living together is good before marrige. I want to get to know you before we actually tie the knot. How long it takes is up to you. Using your mom, dad and siblings to press me into marrige is bad. Any attitude or personality changes...I want to know about before your dad GIVES you away. If I am going to assume personal and finincial liability for you, I want to know all problems before hand. Don't gripe , we test trucks before we buy them don't we
19. No, I do not like soap operas, nor do I like "Driving Miss Daisy" or " On Golden Pond".
20. I am the boss. Supreme ruler of everything that stirs in my universe. My realm is my area and not to be damaged, stirred, or shadowed upon by anyone not worthy of permission. Salesmen, Avon representatives, nor men who sale womens cosmetics are not allowed in the house. Period!
21. My labrador trumps your cat. One must go, and it is not the Labrador. The kitty litter is not a nice aroma...and the glade air freshner is not getting it. Get rid of two problems by erasing one. The cat goes.
22. I come home from work, hot and sweaty..And your girlfriend stares at me like a piece of choclate cake while you two are having coffee...Don't yell and scream at me after she leaves.
23. No morning shower takes an hour.
24. Your ex is your ex. I do not want to hear the problems you and him had in the past.
25. Instructions...What instructions?