-=DoW=- SledgeHammer
May 28th, 2003, 00:15
A friend of mine sent this to me today.
The Glamorous Ship Life
I am writing this today for all those people that ask what life is like on a ship and think we live a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those people that have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that the Navy and ship life is glamorous. I have 25 suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes. This will give you a taste of what Marines and sailors go through while deployed on a naval vessel.
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of
the walls, just below your height so every where you go you hit your head on a pipe. Lower the top of every door by 2 feet and raise the bottom by one foot.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump
it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray." Repeat once a week.
4. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
5. Place every member of your house holds bed into the bathroom. Make
sure that they all wake up at the same time, ensuring that no one can get dressed without rubbing all over the person next to them.
6. Raise all pre-mentioned beds to within 6 inches of the ceiling. So if
you would like to roll over in the middle of the night, you must get out of bed them crawl back in.
7. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5 am., and blow a
whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille,
Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up"
8. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 7am and
read it to you.
9. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext. -3053"
10. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for
you to leave your house before 3pm.
11. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board
up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months are up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day.
12. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
13. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home
(i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
14. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
15. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere.
This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".
16. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 5
times a day, whether they need it or not.
17. Repaint your entire house once a month just because you can.
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail, randomly losing every 5th
item, then a month later give you your mail.
19. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN
and the Weather Channel.
20. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it
"world travel"
21. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors
have gone to bed.
22. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations.
23. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you
are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more... they just ask for hot dogs and then tell them you are out of hot dogs.
24. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your
driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
25. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell
them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to
Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls
around, inform them that Disneyland has been cancelled due to the fact
that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
Put your family through these, and then let them tell you how glamorous
Navy life is.
The Glamorous Ship Life
I am writing this today for all those people that ask what life is like on a ship and think we live a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those people that have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that the Navy and ship life is glamorous. I have 25 suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes. This will give you a taste of what Marines and sailors go through while deployed on a naval vessel.
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of
the walls, just below your height so every where you go you hit your head on a pipe. Lower the top of every door by 2 feet and raise the bottom by one foot.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump
it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray." Repeat once a week.
4. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
5. Place every member of your house holds bed into the bathroom. Make
sure that they all wake up at the same time, ensuring that no one can get dressed without rubbing all over the person next to them.
6. Raise all pre-mentioned beds to within 6 inches of the ceiling. So if
you would like to roll over in the middle of the night, you must get out of bed them crawl back in.
7. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5 am., and blow a
whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille,
Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up"
8. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 7am and
read it to you.
9. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext. -3053"
10. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for
you to leave your house before 3pm.
11. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board
up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months are up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day.
12. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
13. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home
(i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
14. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
15. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere.
This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".
16. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 5
times a day, whether they need it or not.
17. Repaint your entire house once a month just because you can.
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail, randomly losing every 5th
item, then a month later give you your mail.
19. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN
and the Weather Channel.
20. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it
"world travel"
21. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors
have gone to bed.
22. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations.
23. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you
are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more... they just ask for hot dogs and then tell them you are out of hot dogs.
24. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your
driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
25. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell
them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to
Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls
around, inform them that Disneyland has been cancelled due to the fact
that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
Put your family through these, and then let them tell you how glamorous
Navy life is.